Why Me?
by Isabella Jame Swan Cullen
Summary: why me? what did i do wrong? i dont deserve this. or maybe i do. bad summary give it a shot. 100% personal. contains rape. dont read if you dont want to. sorry if i offend.


**WHY?**

**A/N:**** OK so, this is just a one shot and something extremely personal that has been bouncing around my head for the past 2 weeks! I needed to get it out! I'm sorry if I offend anyone. And I'm sorry if this isn't up to anyone's expectations! But I don't care! This is 100% PERSONAL! **

Dear Diary,

I can't believe he found me. 6 years of hiding and he finds me. I don't know how. But all I know is that he found me. He had been watching me. He knew when I would be alone. He had been watching for a while because he knew where I kept my spare key. And that scared me. I don't know why, after all these years, he still hasn't moved on. Or forgotten about me. Or found someone else to terrorize. What have I done that has been so bad to deserve this again? Surely there are worst people on this earth than me? I mean not that I would wish this pain and torture on my worst enemy. No one should have to go through this. Definitely not a 16 year old! But what can you do? You cant undo the past. And now I must live with what has happened. What kills me is that I cant tell anyone on fear of being judged. So this is how I must do it. Write in my diary and hide it from all my loved ones! How weak does that make me? Huh? Well let me tell you. It makes me very weak. And useless and a BIG WASTE OF SPACE! I cant keep reliving that day! Having to do it once was bad enough and now I have two terrible days etched into my brain for the rest of my life. I'm never going to be able to trust guys ever again!

*Flash Back*

It was a normal day. Well I thought it would be. A day of freedom. A day in my holidays to myself. And for that I was extremely happy. I had my day all planned out. I was going to sit on the computer for some of it, watch movies for some of it, and sit down in front of the fire a read my book. Total relaxation. Think again Bella. I decided I wanted to read my book first. So I went to my room and got my book. I came back into the lounge room and sat in front of the fire. I read quite a few chapters until I looked at the time. It was around lunchtime. So I went to the kitchen to get some lunch ready. While I was waiting for that to cook I decide to have a shower. I felt like a slob. I was still in my P. J's. So I got some sweats to lounge around the house in and headed to the shower. I took my time letting the hot water soak into my muscles and warm me up. I decided to wash my hair. After I had cleaned up, I got out and got dressed. I walked into my kitchen, grabbed my lunch and a fork and went back into the lounge room. I nearly dropped my food and screamed. There sitting on my couch was the person from my nightmares. Literally. I had seen him since that terrible day of my childhood that I would never forget, but I didn't think I would ever see him in such a close proximity ever again. He just sat there, letting a smile slowly spread across his face.

"Hello again Bella."

"Ja...Jacob."

"I see you still remember me." he said sitting up a little straighter

"How could I forget you? You tortured me."

"Oh come now Bella. Tortured makes me sound evil-"

"You are evil." I cut him off.

"Now Bella, be careful about what you say. You don't want to make me angry. Remember what happened last time you did that? We wouldn't want that to happen again. Although that would have made my visit pointless. So maybe you do want me angry."

"And what is it you want exactly?" I asked scared for his answer

"You should know. I mean it isn't that hard to guess. Think back to the last time we were together. I want the same thing."

The last time we were together I was 10. I was in year 5 and it was the school dance. I don't want to go through that again. But the main thing was that Jacob raped me. And he wanted to do it again. HE WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN! It only just clicked. He was going to rape me. Again!

"NO! I wont let you! I will call the cops" I said as I turned quickly and reached for the phone.

He was next to me in a heart beat. I hadn't even picked up the phone. I screamed out for help but it was pointless. I was home alone and nobody knew I was in danger. Jacob put his hand over my mouth.

"Now Bella, lets stop all this and be a good girl OK?" he said as he used his other hand to stroke my cheek.

I couldn't respond so I just nodded my head.

"Good. Now I'm going to take my hand away and you are going to remain quite. Right?" he said, still stroking my cheek.

Another nod of my head. He took his hand away from my mouth and I remained quite.

"There's a good girl. See what happens when we work together. I stay happy which means you have nothing to worry about." he said as he took my face in his hands.

Right nothing to worry about. Except for the fact I was in my house alone with the guy who raped me when I was 10 and was going to do it again. Oh and no one knew.

"You have a lovely house. Even if you did try to throw me off which one was yours. That was a clever idea. But you should know I'm smarter than that. So why don't you show me to your room. I think this time we shouldn't be uncomfortable in the back of my car, since I'm sure you have a lovely bed."

I was trapped. And stupid me left my mobile in the lounge room. I had nothing to do except obey. I walked up to my room and opened the door. He had been following closely behind me holding the small of my back.

"You have a lovely room. And your bed looks so inviting it seems rude not to use it." he said as he pushed me onto it.

I couldn't move. I was frozen in memories. I couldn't run. I couldn't hide. I couldn't do anything. I was trapped. Again. By Jacob. And he was going to rape me. Again. He climbed on top of me and gave me a soft kiss. I knew he meant it to be sweet, but in this situation, nothing was sweet. He took his shirt of and then undid his pants and took them off. Then he moved on to my clothes. He started with my shirt. Slowly lifting it of me. His eyes devoured me as my skin was slowly uncovered. Then he moved on to my pants. Slowly taking them off, leaving me in nothing but my bra and undies. He was left in his boxers. He placed kisses on my body and it made me shiver in disgust. I never thought I would have to feel his skin on me again. He grabbed my hands and put them on the top of his boxers.

"Come on Bells. I think you should have some participation in the removal of our clothes" he started sweetly. "PULL MY BOXERS DOWN NOW!" he screamed

I yelped, but obeyed.

"There now. Doesn't that feel great? This was how it should have been the first time."

He started kissing me again and moved his hands to my back to undo my bra. He took that off and moved his hands on to my breast, squeezing them gently. Then he slowly moved his hands down my body and took my undies off. He sat on top of me and looked me over with his eyes. A grin slowly spreading on his face.

"Total beauty" he said as he lay back on top of me.

*End of Flash Back*

Details hurt to much to write diary. But all you need to know is that he raped me. Again. I thought I would never have to go through that pain again. I thought I would be free to try and live a normal teenage life. No such luck.

When something like this occurs in your life, it follows you for the rest of your life. Never really there, but always in the back. Waiting for the right moment to reappear in your life and scare you. And that's how my life shall be from now. A constant battle with my mind. A constant fight to try and move on. To try and live. But that will never happen. At least the first time, I didn't have a reminder inside me of what happened. At least last time all I had were bruises. And they disappear after 3 or 4 weeks. This time I may very well have to live with the constant reminder of what has happened to me. Because this time diary, I'm pregnant. I cant bring myself to get an abortion because that is wrong. It's not the baby's fault so why should they get punished? No. I'm going to keep it. I wont put it up for adoption. I don't want it to grow up not knowing either of its parents. But more importantly I want to be the one to tell it that its father is a rapist.

Two weeks ago I was sort of happy. Now I'm hiding the biggest secret from my family and loved ones. And I am left to writing it in you just because I feel like someone knows. I feel like I have told someone. I AM PREGNANT! And I will never be able to forget why this child was brought into the world. I just hope it looks more like me. I don't want to have to look in my child's eyes and see _him. _Now the only question I have left is: why me?

**To my best friend. I'm sorry for making Jacob the bad guy, but I couldn't change it since you know why. I was going to but it was weird. **

**To everyone else, if you don't like this don't review it! I'm not expecting reviews. I just needed to get it out! If you want to review go ahead! But I'm not asking.**

**Isabella Jame Swan Cullen XxX**


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